The other day I was sitting around and started to really analyze. Analyze my latest decision to book a month in Paris on a whim. And there may have also been another month somewhere I booked (more to come on that). I couldn’t help but wonder if I was just running from things here at home. Or was I chasing this high of traveling and being elsewhere? The little joys of sitting at a cafe and working while making money is truly the best way to live. Or was this just me and how I want to live my life right now?
How Do You Know If You’re Running From, Chasing For, or Just Living Your Life
I think the answer to, are you running away from something, chasing something or just simply living your best life, is not necessarily an easy one to answer. It predicates what’s currently happening right? If you just broke up with someone, in my eyes, you’re obviously running from the heartache. Or chasing a fantasty of romance. Or if you move or do something crazy right after a breakup, it’s an obvious answer, isn’t it? If you’ve been in a downward spiral or just simply feeling down, are you chasing a high to avoid what’s right in front of you? And then I always just wonder. Is it none of those things and this is just us living our life and we don’t have to define it? Or judge people for the decision they may be making?
Are You Running?
Trust me, I’ve judged. I’m judgy. I’ll admit it. I think we all do it at times. Anytime someone does something that you can’t wrap your own head around or understand, you can instantly negate the idea. Oh, you just started dating someone a week after a big messy breakup? You must be running from your emotions, or chasing a fantasy that love is around every corner. Oh, you don’t want to discuss your feelings? Then you must be running from them instead of dealing with it all.
Am I Chasing Something Or Simply Living?
When I decided to make a huge decision to spend an entire month in France, I couldn’t help but just judge myself for it. Was I running away from the heartache of being home alone and trying to fill time and space? Was I chasing this idea that Paris is going to make me happy and keep me busy? But God forbid it’s just neither of those and it’s simply me living my life. For those that do know me, I’ve been talking about doing this for years. But I’m just now capable to do so without the guilt of leaving a geriatric pup behind with my parents to deal with.
My therapist can vouche for this too. The number of times she told me not to wait to live my life because of my dog was endless. Or her other scenario that she said she constantly reminds patients, was moving away from family and feeling guilty for it. She often reminded me that I’ll just regret it when time goes by and I didn’t choose to live.
Maybe not everyone sits and thinks about this stuff. Or passes judgment like I feel like I can sometimes do. But It’s been weighing on my mind why and how I’m making some of these decisions. And it just had me thinking about what these three things even mean. How do you truly know if you’re doing one or the other? Do we stop chasing happiness because happiness can be found truly anywhere and everywhere? Are we running from things to avoid coping with what’s right in front of us? Or are we just crazy brave souls for doing whatever the fuck we want?
I don’t think I have the answer…
I clearly don’t have the answer. But I can tell you what at first felt like running, then turned into chasing, has now evolved into me believing it’s just me living my life. The more I sit with it, the more I feel that deep down. And maybe it’s just the cycle you have to go through. Or maybe it’s the progress of grief or decision-making coping that just happens.
All I know is, that this has forced me to be more understanding and less judgemental when I hear something that I would normally think to myself “oh boy, she’s just running from her problems”. Maybe she is. But maybe she’ll just find herself living her life in due time. And that’s beautiful.